My heart hurts.

"When the one you love's in love with someone else,
Don't you know it's torture? I mean it's a living hell.
No matter how I try to convince myself,
This time I won't lose control.
One look in your sad eyes and suddenly
My heart can't tell you no."

How true she is.

I don't think I'm in love, and I continue to remind myself that I don't know what love is, but as far as I know, I feel like i'm in love. I miss him when he leaves, and I worry about who he thinks about. I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder where he is when i'm not with him. I know he likes someone else, and he has been in love with someone else, and he talks about them often. It kills me. I hate feeling like I am the 4th or 5th runner up to someone. I hate it when he tells me about how awesome they are and how they inspire him. I feel like I don't even have a chance to compete with them for his heart. 

My friends have all told me to just forget about him, and to stop hanging out with him, but how can I do that when he is my best friend? I tell him everything. And I mean everything. I wake up thinking about him, I go to sleep thinking about him. I wait for him to text me and when he does, I can't help but giggle to myself. I haven't ever felt wanted by someone, and now that I do, I want there to be a relationship there, but due to circumstances, there can't be. All I want is to love and be loved in return. I want to be able to hold someone's heart, and have him hold mine. I want a love that people dream about. I want a love that will extend beyond this life. I want to be able to fall in love with someone all over again every day. I just want to be wanted by someone who can want me completely. 

I have waited for so long for someone to want me and to even like me in that way. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being used. I want someone that I can give my heart to, and I can trust him to keep it instead of giving it back to me. 

"I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?...I've given you my best, why does she get the best of you?"

Confession: When I say "I'm fine", I'm really not.

Boys are dumb.

I had always told myself this, but as of recent, I have realized it to be absolutely true. This boyfriend of mine (or shall I say ex-boyfriend) did not treat me well. At all! He would talk about how beautiful other girls were while we were hanging out, and he would ignore me and avoid me (literally). I wasn't really sure if this was how relationships go, this being my first one and all. So I told this guy, Nate, about all of the stuff that He did, and Nate told me to talk to him about it, and so I did. It took awhile, just because he was still avoiding me and stuff, but I finally got together with him, and we talked, and He explained some stuff, but I didn't quite believe him. So I thought about it a lot, and after much deliberation, decided that the best move, for the both of us, would be to end whatever we had, because it sure wasn't a real relationship. So I asked if I could see him after I got off of work(planning to break up with him), but he was at the hospital because his friend got hit by a car, so I thought that maybe tonight isnt the best night for this. So I was going to get some council from an experienced friend and I texted, "Collins friend just got hit by a car. Should I still break up with him?" but I accidentally sent it to him and that's how he found out. I called him and explained myself and he was perfectly fine with it. He actually acted like it was a relief that I broke it off, which led me to question if he ever did like me. So I woke up the next morning and a post that he had put on facebook made me a little sorry for breaking up with him. It went a little like this: "Two songs haven't hit me harder than these two songs: "Remember When(Push Rewind)" by Chris Wallace and "I Should've Kissed You" by One Direction. For some reason these have just kicked me in the stomach and feelings have flooded back to me about someone. ....miss you...." I thought, well he never kissed me, so this could be directed toward me. So I text him about it. Come to find out, it is not about me, but it is about a girl that he broke up with 2 years ago, and he admitted to me that he is in love with her. Yeah. That makes me feel really grand. So he was in love with this girl the whole time that we were dating. That explains some stuff though. I don't regret the experience. He taught me a lot about myself, and about relationships. I just wish he would have been more honest with me.

Confession: I really miss him.

Boys....?

Its been a while, and a lot has happened. I graduated from high school, got offered 4 different scholarships, decided where I am going to college, became an adult, got a boyfriend, and my car broke down.
Graduation was an incredible experience, and an emotional one as well. I already miss high school, which is weird, but it's sad to walk away from a place that you have such a strong emotional connection to. It's scary to leave your life that you had, and start a whole new one in a new state with new friends, on your own. High school was easy. College is going to be rough.
I got offered a bunch of different scholarships, and I was almost set on going to SUU, but after I visited the campus, I realized that it was definitely not for me. I had this feeling that I should go to BYU-I, and then I got offered 2 scholarships to go there. It definitely made my mind up.
So it was my birthday on July 5th, and I am a legal adult now. Its crazy, but fun. I feel like I have so many more responsibilities to fill in the next few months, with college and everything, and I don't feel quite as juvenile any more. For my birthday, my friends attacked me (literally) and took me out to breakfast at 12:00 am. It was so fun! All the people at I-hop sang to me, and I was serenaded by two harmonica-playing, tall, and somewhat decent looking men...win! Then, I went to sleep, and my friends took me to Lowes extreme sports, which is like a power tumbling place. I made a fool of myself, and for the first time in my life, was completely comfortable with who I am. Then, I had my birthday party, and a certain someone was there, and it made me really happy, and we were going to watch a movie outside, but then it rained. So we watched it inside, and this certain someone asked me to sit by them.....so I did.
So about this car deal, Lucy and I were together for a full year, and what a year of adventures that was. I fixed her up quite a bit, and then she repays me by DIEING?!?! What is that? Its all good. I'm over it. I have moved onto Annie. A silver 1999 Volkswagen Beetle with a sunroof. Dream car at 18? Check.
So this boyfriend? His name may or may not be Collin Williams, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I have a blog, so I can basically say anything about him. Yay! So he started woking at Riverside, and I thought I recognized him from somewhere, so I asked him if he danced, and he told me that he has danced for 12 years. Stalker status. Anyway, we flirted a lot, and I invited him to my birthday party, and he came, and he asked me if I would sit by him, so I did. The next night, he came over to my house, and we watched a movie, and he put his arm around me. Then, the next monday, I think, we watched more scary movies at my house (just because his house is under construction) and we cuddled a fair amount. Then, the next Wednesday, I asked him to go on a triple date with me, and my two friends and their boyfriends, and we watched a movie at my house, and we cuddled....a lot....and then the next friday, we went to his friends house, and watched more movies, and his friends mom was asking us how we knew each other, and a bunch of different questions, and then she said "I'm just gonna get straight to the point. Are you guys dating?" and I looked at him and said "um...I dont know, collin? Are we?" and he said, "I dont know. Do you want to?" and I said, "Sure! We're dating!" Thats how we got it all sorted out. then we went on another date, and then we went to the hot pots, which I would highly recommend, although it is a bit of a hike. Then on pioneer day, we played soccer, and watched Ferris Buellers day off, and we got snowies, and after we finished our snowies, he kissed me on the cheek. Then we sat at the duck pond at BYU, and we talked about some deep stuff. He is leaving on his mission on September 5th, and he's going to Guadalhara Mexico. His parents don't want him dating anyone before his mission, so he hasn't told them about us, which makes me concerned. Anyway, thats whats going on in my life, well, thats not everything, but theres a good majority of my summer.

Confession: I really really like him...<3

once upon a time, there was a girl. Her name was Danielle, and she felt very under appreciated. While directing the school play, she thought that at the end of everything, the cast would thank her and give her flowers or something. She dreamed about them calling her out on stage and presenting her with flowers and the whole crowd clapping for her. Lets just say that her dream didn't come true. She received flowers (not from the cast) and she went on stage (after the audience was gone) but with out appreciation, she felt very left out and alone. Unfortunately, she still feels that way. She happens to have feelings. Oh and the gossip that freshman spread ultimately gets back to me, so watch your back, frosh.

So its been months. Yeah. Literally months. Wierd, huh.  Well, over the past few months, school has started, I obtained a job, and I jumped off a cliff. Oh, and I petted a dinosaur. Be jealous. Just kidding. I didnt jump off a cliff. Hehe. Any way, so I am sitting in Yearbook, eating food, and doing nothing else. Just thought that I would talk about nothing because I enjoy doing that. Well, I love you. Thats all. Goodbye.

Confession 5: 1,300 mile faith

I never realized how much I need god until I went on trek. For those of you who don't know what trek is, it is a youth "activity" where we go to Wyoming and we do what the pioneers did. We pull handcarts in rain, snow, wind, cold, hot, you name it. We pulled them through rivers that were up to our waist, mud that was up to our knees, sagebrush that would cut your legs, ticks, snakes, spiders, bugs, and many other dangerous things like buffalo chips. We did all of this, and still I would take any opportunity to do it again. It made me realize how ungrateful I am to all that I have. It made me realize how easy my life is. It made me realize that I had to change. Change is a word that I like to pretend that I embrace, but am secretly scared to face. It messes up everything. Change is not something that I take lightly. I am not adaptable. It freaks me out to change. To be me and not to deal with anything else is fine. But what about everyone else in the world. What about my ancestors who gave literally everything they had. They changed their lives dramatically just so they could have the opportunity to gather with the saints. They gave everything to walk across this country in blizzards. They gave everything to have the gospel. Something that I was born with and something that I had taken so lightly. My ancestors lost a baby, but by the power of god, she came back to life. I treked for this baby and I hope that she realizes how much she has changed my life. During the womans' pull, it was a challenge, and I wanted to cry the whole way up. It was uphill, the path was slanted to the right or the left the whole way up. The men were standing on either sides of the path silently watching us with their hats off, over their chests, while we struggled up the hill walking right past them, and there was nothing that they could do to help. It hurt just to think about all of the women that left their husband and took their children to go to Zion. It hurt to think of the mothers who were widowed on the way and still pressed on. It hurt. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. During testimony meeting, we had so many different people get up and bear their testimony. One of the testimonies that was given was by an 18 year old girl from my ward. She talked about how hard it would have been to lose a family member on the way. One thing that she said that still sticks with me today was that "I could not be able to lay down my little sister on the side of the trail and know that there were wolves." After I heard her say that, my mind flashed back to my brothers. Would I have the courage to do that? The answer was immediate after one of their faces flashed through my mind. No. At that time. I would not be able to do that. I couldn't. I would give up. So what made coming to Zion so important. Sure they wanted to be surrounded and supported by the saints, but was that it? Or was it their faith in a prophet who was so young. Their faith in a boy who, when he was 14, walked into a grove and saw Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. Their faith in a man who was tarred and feathered on the streets, at night by men who had painted their faces to hide their identity from a true living prophet of god. Their faith in a man who was innocent, but still was cast into prison multiple times for crimes he had never committed, but willingly went anyway. Their faith in a man who was brutally murdered for the sake of his church and his religion. Their faith is what kept them going. Their faith is what helped them get through the hurt, the pain, the loss, the death, and it got them to here. A desert. I can't imagine their disappointment when Brigham Young said "This is the place" But their faith kept them going through even this. I want to be like the pioneers. I want faith that will walk with me through the good times and will carry me through the bad. I want 1,300 mile faith.

goodbye physiology

So guess who passed the test with an 80%!
well, not me. Yeah try 77%! 3freakin% off!!!
I had moose tracks ice cream and i ate it from a black bowl and black usually signifies emo or something so it worked out great. Yeah. So um Bye!

confession 4

So now I am sitting in physiology doing absolutely nothing. well, i am actually waiting to find out my state final score, but i am anxious. If i get a 79.9% or lower, i will not be able to qualify for my medical assisting degree which would basically send all of my high school plans down the toilet, but i am surprisingly calm. I dont really care if i fail it or if i pass with a 79.9%. In the end, it wont matter.

This is me sitting in Digital Photo, doing absolutely nothing! Not that there isn't anything to do, I just don't want to do anything. So I guess I will write about this person who is awesome and totally funny and crazy but calm and exciting and outgoing and everything that I wish I could be. Their name is not to be exposed. So um, I appreciate this person A LOT and I think have a lot in common with them. I wish I could spend more time with them because every time that I do, I see the good in me because of them. They bring out the real me and when I am with them, I feel like I could do anything I want to. I feel like they appreciate me and they know me. They make me feel loved by just looking at me. So here is to you, confidential. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and all that you do for me. You are my best friend and I miss you already.

long posts.

Dear avid reader.
Yeah. I know that i don't post long and intellectual posts, but whats the point if i only have 2 followers, one being me. i don't know. I don't think that long posts necessarily make you a better person, so i decide not to write them. don't be too disappointed. so i guess i will tell you about what i did yesterday.

1. i woke up at 6:30, to josh Groban serenading me from my i-pod.
2. I stayed in bed until like 6:50 because josh Groban is more important than eating.
3. I went to school.
4. I took a math test.
5. I talked to David Gow about drama.
6. I showed Riley and Shelby my duck, omen. He died. And then Riley hung him with a guitar string.
7. I got a spiritual high!
8. I watched Shelby struggle with her art project.
9. I turned in an English packet to a highly stressed and uptight English teacher that i like to call Suthy.
10. I caught a ride home with Christina and ate super spicy munchies.
11. i made boiled eggs
12. i read the Great Gatsby
13. i went over to Shelbys and watched singing in the rain, but only the song parts. and the weirdly scandalous dancer part with the suddenly long hair.
14. i came home, dropped off my brothers at the elementary school for a party, and then went back home again.
15. I made hot chocolate
16. I went to the soccer game.
17. I drank hot chocolate with Shelby.
18. We cheered Riley on. most of the time.
19. i went to days with Shelby
20. i bought candy, and she didn't.
21. She came back to my house after begging her parents to have a sleepover which they grudgingly agreed to.
22. We made burrito pizzas.
23. We made cookies, and ate a lot of cookie dough.
24. we left at 11:20 to chalk some peoples houses.
25. We chalked some peoples houses. Stalkishly.
26. we came back, and started to watch funny girl with Barbara Streisand. Yeah i know that isn't how you spell her name.
27. we stayed up until 2:00 am. talking about who knows what and laughing at things that probably were not that funny.
28. The end.

so yeah. that was probably the funnest day that i have had in forever.

Oh! would you look at that! my post did turn out pretty long. hmm. Interesting. Oh well. I need to pick up Tucker. Bye

Sincerely,

A Confessing Teenage Girl

wow. Update!

Well, it has been like forever, but whatever. Time for an update. This is a list of things that has happened to me over the past few weeks.

• end of 3rd term. YAY!
• asking T to MORP YAY!
• going on my first real date with an older man. YAY!
• two gentelmen of verona...yeah.
• Jazz night! Doubley yay!
• Chalk-attack! (with Fered and Airy)

so um, yeah. Short list, but hey. whatevs. First real date. With an older man. I know you are all wondering who it could possibly be. lets just say that he is named cakes. Anyway, so i went on a date with cakes and we were going to see tangled, but then it was sold out. So we went and watched megamind. Best movie EVER! so funny. So cakes, if you are reading this, just know that it seriously was the best date ever, and you have raised the bar for anyone that i date, if i date anyone, which is highly unlikely because boys have cooties and stuff... But still. Well, i have nothing else to say. so...Bye!

exposed

So. Some people make things awkward. Apparently, i am one of those people. In the art room, this one girl (lets call her Shelby), and this one guy (lets call him Riley) and me were talking about what happened in our world civ. class. Shelby and Riley are both artists. Like professional artists basically. Anyway, we are learning about Renaissance art in world civ., which obviously brought us to nude people. Riley, being the artist that he is, stated his experience with drawing nude people, and so we were talking about that with Shelby in the art room. He was talking about how he is used to it because his father is an artist and he has been "exposed" to that stuff. Probably the most awkward moment today. So far. I appreciated it thoroughly. Just thought i might give you a laugh.

Confession #2

I didnt do my homework.
Actually, I didnt do like alot of my homework. I am starting not to care about my grades, and frankly (No offense to you people who feel the need to have straight "a's" all the time) I dont freaking care. As long as I am learning something and paying attention and getting the concept, nothing else really matters, right? so what is the point of homework? I will tell you what the point is:

• To make us spend time on something other than drama
• Because the teacher obviously does not have a life and laughs insanely at our downfall. If the teacher did have a life, they would stop assigning us homework so that they could pursue whatever they do outside of school so that they wouldnt have to grade our homework. (And, although it may come to a shock, teachers do not live at school.)
• To make sure that we have so much homework that we won't have time to do drugs.
• To make us financial failures. We have so much homework, that we can not afford to risk our grades by getting a job. If i could have a job part time, then i would be able to earn money and save for my future and practice budget planning skills.

So those are just a few, but feel free to comment and add more.

Notice: If you were offended by anything that I said, I am sorry. But it is a free country.

Confession #1

Sometimes I fear that I think about boys all too often.
Sometimes I do think of boys way too often.
Sometimes, I think that boys should die in a hole.
If you were offended by that last statement, then you must not be a girl.
Boys tend to cause alot of problems. They are cute, they are nice, they take rejection easily. Now how could these characteristics cause any problems? Women are told that we have so much power, and we are mens weakness, but they are ours.
Their cuteness causes us to swoon over them, and sometimes become obsessed.
Their niceness causes us to think that they will never hurt us. FALSE!!!
Their ability to be rejected makes us think that we didnt mean that much to them if they were able to get over us so quickly.
All in all, they cause us pain. Lots of pain.

Why

"I do not think they asked why they were dieing, but why they had lived. When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies. Maybe to be practical is madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Perhaps to be practical may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it ought to be!" What wise words spoken by such a wise poet. It has often been said that one mans trash is another mans treasure. Why is this? Because one man who thinks one thing is worthless doesnt see the true value of it. When you have been without something, you realize the true value of it. When you obtain everything, you tend to value everything less. Maybe to be rich isnt such a good thing. It raises your expectations for everything. You lose the simple pleasures and joys in life like:

• Opening the fridge and finding food.
• A toothless smile.
• The smell of pine
• Setting up the Christmas tree.
• An act of kindness.
• Holding hands.
• Natural beauty
• Colors
• Warm blankets
• Free hugs
• Snow
• Falling leaves
• Wind through your hair
• Hair on your head
• Strength
• Words to express how you feel
• Jumping in puddles

Just a few things that I enjoy. I hope that you can see the simple joys in life, and never forget the value of these little things that bring smiles to your face.

Teenage Girls.
Being a teenage girl is harder than you think and I can prove it.
First of all: Boys.
Boys basically cause all of our problems. Don't take it personally if you are a boy, but you don't understand us, and you never will. I don't think that boys realize how much we talk about them, cry over them, and beg for their attention. We may seem a little bit clingy at times, but it is just because we enjoy the attention and we want to be wanted. We feel like we are important, and we feel needed.
Second of all: Period
This one is self explanitory. If you don't understand, go take a health class.
I am sure that more reasons will be shortly coming through personal experiences, but for now, this will have to do.